(678): So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color

(845): So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said “Is this thing on” I think I’m in love.

(603): View more from New Hampshire We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment.

(304): Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn’t responded

(916): I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.

(206): Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn’t pay enough.

(360): After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you’re coming to happy hour today.

(972): On the upside I’m hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia

(402): It’s like God tapped him on the shoulder and said “You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head.”

(303): I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won’t have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.

(720): Zach, it’s Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?

(304): Listen it’s no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask “when are coming back home”

(517):  I’m getting drunk by myself again. But I’m not shotgunning any of them. That’s self-restraint, right?